Kitten standing on top of neatly folded tshirts in a drawer.

Neatly folded t-shirts are a sign of my anxiety.

Weeknotes for 2021 week 5.

Monday 1 to Sunday 7 February 2021.

Also published at https://weeknot.es/weeknotes-for-2021-week-5-2331841a2589.

I made the swap from full to part time work last year. Part of the reason was to study mathematics. It's a beautiful, complex subject that requires repetitive practice. I've failed to adequately do this. I have an assessment tomorrow. I'm stressed.

I also went part time to try job sharing. My job share partner Jen and I are coming towards the end of our first contract. Last month we interviewed for a senior delivery manager (SDM) role. Last week we were told we'd been successful, but the job was no longer available. So we're now on a merit list with the organisation. On Thursday we had our first chat with a team doing really interesting work who needs an SDM. But it turned from a chat to an interview when we were asked, "Tell us why you want to work for our organisation?". This made me very stressed. So stressed I'm not even sure that was the question.

I'm an introvert that's learnt how to act like as an extrovert. I get twitch inducing anxiety when I have to perform. Inside I'm screaming and just want to switch everything off and hide. But when I know what's coming it's easier. When I'm told 24 hours in advance what's going to happen I can plan, prep, sleep on it and iterate. Factor in my part time study and work balance and it becomes more urgent to know in advance what's coming. I'm a brilliant fire fighter having spent years doing user support. But that's a different skill to interviewing, which I count as among the most stressful things I have to do.

I had my first panic attack in years on Thursday. It was a result of the things above, plus lots of little lock down induced things. I really miss hugs with friends and colleagues, especially in the communities I am passionate about. I love working remotely but need that occasional in person interaction. Lock down has affected my mental health.

I've spent an hour agonising over the 4 paragraphs above. So that I can calm down a bit and finish my weekend, here's a list of other things from this week:

  • Planned the next delivery manager community of practice event + released tickets for the delivery management conference in April

  • Had a chat with someone else who lives with bipolar affective disorder and attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, which made me relive some painful memories

  • Got my weight below 80 kilograms (kg) from my 86 kg lock down high

  • Installed Linux on an old 11 year old notebook which I'm using to type and publish these weeknotes

  • Tided the eaves and garage - box room next.

That's enough for this week. Stay safe.